Monday, 7 May 2012

Life in the forest…in the garden…
 I've been struggling on and off with depression for many years and in a way it has been like walking through a deep forest or hidden garden; sort of a secret one; a mysterious and dark place that hardly anyone know about. Like in any forest, there are patches of sunlight - here and there…
Sometimes I walk into a clearing and at night…on my dreams…
Life in my dream woods is darker than life here – in reality.
Why are these woods that I walk through in my mind in my dreams so bleak?
I suppose the main thing that hits me when I step into a dark patch in my woods is panic and fears.
The sunlight is gone and with it has gone the memory of returning light, of a path that eventually will reappear in front of me.  I simply lost. I lose light and don't regain it until I somehow find some calm.

It is the panic that leaves me huddled at the base of a tree, afraid to walk any farther. It is the panic that causes me to question my life: my usefulness, my calling, my ability to be a mother or a wife. It is the panic that causes me to say dang stupid things.

I need a new bag of tricks. My old tricks for calming and recentering no longer apply. I can spend hours sitting at a computer all day or reading some kind of novel that takes me into another world.
I can write for hours at a time, can sit and think for hours.
The question of sanity. Why I sometimes temporarily lose mine. And I've been questioning: Is this what I really want to have define of my married life? Of my life as a mother? This deep forest that surrounds me? Are there sunny fields to break into? Or should I walk along in peace, willing for it to remain dark.
Maybe I will find a mystery stream to follow, which will take me to happy and sunny places.
Hope has always been with me, through these difficult times. I know that I should be thankful and I am.
The days are flying by like the leaves that fall in late autumn. Those last three warm and sunny days feels like a dream now that it has grown so cold and damp and we all have stiff fingers and cold noses. It's kind of scary and strange, though, once you can fully let go of summer and realize that winter is coming soon.  I have to try hard to think of it as cosy at home, rather than gloomy.
I am thankful for the thrill of creating beautiful things, for being able to pour out the things inside me into something I can look at.
I am thankful for my sons, a husband who loves me, a gorgeous and peaceful piece of land to live on.
I am thankful for the bright sunshine that valiantly shone sometimes and I miss it in this wind-tossed and rainy day.
I'm thankful for the nightingales who splashed in the tree’s leaves near my house this early morning, even though I'm convinced it was way too chilly to be singing and I'm thankful for my nice warm house this chilly and raining evening.
I am so thankful that I have good enough health and that someday I have time to walk and enjoy this world.
I am thankful for my sons who continually inspire me to be better than who I am right now.
They make my heart sing.
I am thankful for my husband who is the keeper of my heart and my secrets. I love that we can dream together and work towards making them come true.
I am thankful for God's Grace and Hope, which makes even the darkest night beautiful.

 we live in a very dynamic world where technology and things keep changing very fast. Also the world has so many cultures, traditions and there are so many things to see and do. In our daily routine we tend to forget the delight that one gets when one does something for the first time. No matter how old we become the feeling we get when we do something for the first time is same as what we experienced when we were children. With doing things for the first time comes a feeling of ecstasy, delight and happiness that transports us to the pleasures of childhood.

 we must try doing as many new things as possible because it gives us an opportunity to break from the daily routine and escape if only for a brief moment to the feeling we had as a child.
So when was the last time you did something for the first time?