Life in the forest…in the garden…
I've been struggling
on and off with depression for many years and in a way it has been like walking
through a deep forest or hidden garden; sort of a secret one; a mysterious and
dark place that hardly anyone know about. Like in any forest, there are patches
of sunlight - here and there…
Sometimes I walk into a clearing and at night…on my dreams…
Life in my dream woods is darker than life here – in reality.
Why are these woods that I walk through in my mind in my
dreams so bleak?
I suppose the main thing that hits me when I step into a
dark patch in my woods is panic and fears.
The sunlight is gone and with it has gone the memory of
returning light, of a path that eventually will reappear in front of me. I simply lost. I lose light and don't regain
it until I somehow find some calm.
It is the panic that leaves me huddled at the base of a
tree, afraid to walk any farther. It is the panic that causes me to question my
life: my usefulness, my calling, my ability to be a mother or a wife. It is the
panic that causes me to say dang stupid things.
I need a new bag of tricks. My old tricks for calming and
recentering no longer apply. I can spend hours sitting at a computer all day or
reading some kind of novel that takes me into another world.
I can write for hours at a time, can sit and think for
hours.
The question of sanity. Why I sometimes temporarily lose
mine. And I've been questioning: Is this what I really want to have define of
my married life? Of my life as a mother? This deep forest that surrounds me? Are
there sunny fields to break into? Or should I walk along in peace, willing for
it to remain dark.
Maybe I will find a mystery stream to follow, which will
take me to happy and sunny places.
Hope has always been with me, through these difficult times.
I know that I should be thankful and I am.
The days are flying by like the leaves that fall in late
autumn. Those last three warm and sunny days feels like a dream now that it has
grown so cold and damp and we all have stiff fingers and cold noses. It's kind
of scary and strange, though, once you can fully let go of summer and realize
that winter is coming soon. I have to
try hard to think of it as cosy at home, rather than gloomy.
I am thankful for the thrill of creating beautiful things,
for being able to pour out the things inside me into something I can look at.
I am thankful for my sons, a husband who loves me, a
gorgeous and peaceful piece of land to live on.
I am thankful for the bright sunshine that valiantly shone
sometimes and I miss it in this wind-tossed and rainy day.
I'm thankful for the nightingales who splashed in the tree’s
leaves near my house this early morning, even though I'm convinced it was way
too chilly to be singing and I'm thankful for my nice warm house this chilly
and raining evening.
I am so thankful that I have good enough health and that someday
I have time to walk and enjoy this world.
I am thankful for my sons who continually inspire me to be
better than who I am right now.
They make my heart sing.
I am thankful for my husband who is the keeper of my heart
and my secrets. I love that we can dream together and work towards making them
come true.
I am thankful for God's Grace and Hope, which makes even the
darkest night beautiful.
