(after Tim Minchin)
She doesn't have a problem with drugs
She just doesn't get them
She's fine that her mates have tattoos
But she thinks they'll regret them
She likes going to pubs
But she hates when the music's too loud
She tends not to go to rock concerts
Cos she can't stand the crowd
But all she's ever wanted to be
Is an art star on TATE or MoMA
But she knows that it's not f@cking likely
She's already turned fifty
She knows that she will always be
An art nerd
She'll keep doing art works the world will never see
And though they won't be seen
She'll just keep doing
But you see the problem is
She always dreamt of being an art star
But she learned classic instead of art trash
Which in the nineties didn't get you very far
So while all the other kids were learning Hirst and Emin
She was learning Rossetti and Vigeland
But she was convinced one day
She'd art world star
Be an icon for the disenfranchised art masses
And she shaved her head bald
And rebel against the state
But just for now that'd have to wait
Cos she's running late for her ballet classes
And she will always be
An art nerd
She'll keep doing her art that no one knows about
And though it sounds absurd
She'll just keep doing
But you see the problem is
There's not much depth in what she's doing
She's a victim of her upper middle class upbringing
So she can't paint about the shit or porno
And she's not spent a single night in prison
She has no issues with nutrition
She has no drinking problem
And no drug addiction
Unless you count the drugs they put in chicken
And marijuana always tends to make her cough
While her mates all go out late
Popping pills and having fun
She goes home and showers
And gets a good eight hours sleep
She gets her thrills from her morning run
And while her mates all go on dates
Taking speed and drinking gin tonic
She stays home and cooks
Curls up with a book
With the boy she's had since she was sixteen
She doesn't know the difference between metal and thrash
She couldn't tell you nothing about Axel and Slash
She likes Ben Folds to the Jackson Five
She knows all the words to Imagine
And though she wants to be all grungy and cool
She spent eleven years in a private school
So it don't matter how she tries
She cannot hide behind her rock 'n' roll lies
Cos you've either got it or you don't
You'll either rock it or you won't
She knows that her art lacks depth
But it just can't be helped
She has nothing interesting to say
So she doing her art about herself
But she doesn't want to seem self obsessed
So she writes about her art in third person
In an attempt to seem more rock 'n' roll
But she suspects it's not workin'
And deep in her heart she knows
That she'll never be Tracey Emin or Damien Hirst
And even if she was quite pretty
She knows that she
Will always be
An art nerd
She'll keep doing her art the world don't care about
And though it sounds absurd
She'll just keep doing
You can criticise her
But she won't care
Cos she wants to do her art, and she will never be deterred
But she'll always be a f@cked up little, try-hard, wannabe art nerd
